Ask Slash: Traci Lords & the 8 AM Coke

Posted on 12/16/2010

0


Slash, the autobiography by the Guns N’ Roses guitar god is filled with tales of debauchery, violence, music and mayhem. It’s also a source of inspiration. A touchstone for lost souls in need of guidance. Here at Passionately Indifferent we ask readers to send us their problems and then we find the answers in Slash by Slash. We call this “Ask Slash.”

*  *  *  *  *  *

I went out with this girl twice and then she went off the grid. I finally sent her a message on Facebook and when she responded, a full week later, she said that even though we had a connection she felt “we didn’t have as much in common as she would have hoped.”

Is this a chick thing? The need for lots of common interests, I mean. I’m more a believer in the “common values, different interests” philosophy. I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who likes all the same things that I do – that would be suffocating. I just want her to be fun to be with, attractive, and to like being with me. Too much to ask perhaps?

Jesse, Philadelphia

Dear Jesse,

I went through an interesting succession of girlfriends [during a long and nightmarish obsession with heroin that lasted from 1989 through 1991]; just a handful that I’d see over at my place, each on different nights. At some point during these months my manager had the brilliant idea of having me present some award to someone or other at the MTV Video Music Awards. I can’t even remember who we gave it to, but my co-presenter was Traci Lords, the porn star, so we met backstage and then started dating immediately. I was in a strange place; I was mildly famous, I was infamous, but I was still stuck in a raggedy, heathen mentality in terms of my quality of life. At that time, I could have had $15m in the bank, but I wouldn’t have changed my lifestyle at all; I didn’t have a car, I was happy to have my one-room apartment that looked like a generic hotel room, and needed nothing more – that was where my head was at. At the same time, I knew how to be a gentleman, which is entirely what Traci Lords expected on a date. So somehow we hit it off.

*  *  *  *  *  *

My ex-girlfriend is pregnant and I’m the father! I’m 21 and she’s 19. I love her, but she’s always on and off with how she feels about me. She says she won’t make me pay child support (awesome!), but she won’t let me go to any of the doctors appointments or put my name on the birth certificate (boo!). I feel completely screwed and lost! What should I do?

Tyler, Tallahassee

Dear Tyler,

Traci didn’t want any part of being seen in public with me; if we ever went anywhere where anyone might be paying attention, she’d put me through this stupid ordeal where I’d have to come in after her and meet her inside, as if by accident. Obviously I was recognisable, so she always insisted that we scoot in some back alley entrance. From what I understood she wanted to keep a low profile because she didn’t want to be exposed as a groupie slut or one of the porno chicks that guys like me dated. I was never one of those guys who was judgemental about that stuff and never understood those who were; in fact the only reason I knew her was that I’d seen her in this movie where she was bent over holding her ankles and she looked amazing. I truly appreciated that, so I figured everyone else appreciated that, too. I didn’t get her whole charade at all.

*  *  *  *  *  *

I followed my plumber’s advice and turned off the water before leaving for vacation. When I returned and turned the water back on the toilets didn’t fill with water. I think that there must be air in the line, but I don’t know what to do about that. I’ve filled the tank with water and flushed that but that didn’t help. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Daryl P. , Milwaukee

Dear Daryl,

I did what anyone with new money should do after renting for a while: I bought a house like my business manager told me to. I found a house just off Laurel Canyon, and it was forever known as the Walnut House. I was pretty out of control at the time. I remember showing up to meet the contractor to talk about redoing my bathroom and thinking that breaking out a few lines would be a good way to break the ice. He and I stood in the bathroom as he walked me through the work that needed to be done. ‘Yeah, yeah, cool, man,’ I said. I slapped down the toilet-seat cover and cut out four thick lines of coke. ‘You want one?’ He looked pretty uneasy. ‘No, no thanks. I’m on the job,’ he said. ‘OK, right, that’s cool,’ I said. ‘I’ll do yours, then.’

‘It’s not just that, it’s also eight o’clock in the morning,’ he said, smiling apologetically. At that moment I was every single nightmare cliche of what that guy had ever heard about rock stars, rolled into one – even more so because he had been hired to turn my extra bathroom and its huge corner Jacuzzi into a massive snake terrarium that took up a quarter of the room.

Advertisements
Posted in: Ask Slash